My sister called today from one of her two homes located 1,500 miles apart. The challenge of creating an active work and social life in two totally different and distant places has meant having to reinvent herself rather than live the familiar life she thought she would have in her 50’s. It’s an inspiration to see the inner resources Caren brings to bear on this bifurcated living situation. She also has a precious resource in her outer life that’s making this change more manageable: a deep, abiding friendship. Today while she is working in Albuquerque, her best friend has flown in from Caren’s hometown in Oregon to search for social and community resources to make Caren’s life in New Mexico more satisfying. Lani’s a dear friend helping an old friend to make new friends.
What is friendship? Given the recent buzz resulting from Joseph Epstein’s book “Friendship” and the publication of an analysis of relational trends in America that indicates increasing isolation, it’s apparent that friendship is a topic on the national radar. My own barometer of the weight of a topic is the frequency and intensity of its focus in my counseling office. Friendship is on the minds of the women I see.
Women are sorting out what friendship is to them, attempting to understand the parameters for each unique relationship. As if assessing the difference between everyday dishes or china, we ask if this is an ordinary relationship, perhaps based on shared activities such as ride pools, children’s programs, or careers, or is this something more precious, made so by sharing deeper feelings, intimacy, and values? We ask ourselves “Is this relationship as important to my friend as it is to me?” and “How safe do I feel revealing more of myself and will my friend reciprocate?”
There is delicate and challenging terrain to navigate on the road to deep and true friendship. We may wonder if the friendship is based more on bonding around fears and foibles than strengths and successes. Or, as one woman discovered, she and her friend were bonded by mutual avoidance of talking about vulnerabilities, replacing openness with competitiveness. When one succeeded the other woman hid her resentments and never spoke of how it tweaked her own stalled desire for growth. There can be friendships that diminish loneliness, share resources, or remind us that we are treasured women even when society’s valuation lessens.
There is also the rare kind of friendship of shared commitment, positive regard, and the capacity for intimacy that moves both women over a threshold into something extraordinary. Often, in this friendship, two women intentionally tie a knot that holds each woman to being her best self, to becoming all that she was born to be, and where the dance of friendship helps each of them discover new and better ways of being. This bond replaces comfort or silence with direct, open, and honest communication, assuring that the relationship is never taken for granted and that neither friend reverts to unhealthy behavior. This is a friendship where we are truly celebrated for taking the risk to love more and become more.
Friendship is an investment in which we take the chance to open our hearts, give our time, honor our commitment, and suffer the pain and joy of being known more fully.
Is there a friend with whom you want to cross the threshold to a greater bond of intimacy?