Do you remember the story of Chicken Little crying “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!”? The version I read in childhood demonstrated the contagion of panic and taught the moral lesson of not believing everything you hear but having the courage to see things as they actually are.
There were two things I saw in the news this week that made explicit the deep human need underlying the fears that create panic.
You hear this fear in the words women speak when going through major changes: “My life is falling apart,” or “I can’t leave my unhappy marriage or let go of my grown children because it feels like falling off a cliff, there’s nothing to catch me.”
It’s the same fear being spoken when we tell ourselves that our feelings are too much for us to contain. “I’m afraid I’ll fall apart” is common during times of loss or great change.
What I saw in the news reminded me that our fear of falling is really expressing our basic human need to be held in order to feel safe and secure.
A Today Show segment featured seven awake, happy, and perfectly content babies, sitting in a womb-like new product, the “Tummy Tub,” each curled in a fetal position and snugly held in warm water. No tears, no whimper’s, no grasping for Mom. The children were totally content and secure.
The second news item was an article printed in the San Francisco Chronicle written by Rosie Mestel, of the LA Times. She writes “According to a team of Dutch scientists, walking backward helps people think more clearly… ‘Backward locomotion appears to be a very powerful trigger to mobilize cognitive resources,’ conclude the authors, of Radboud University Nijmegen. ‘Thus, whenever you encounter a difficult situation, stepping backward may boost your capability to deal with it effectively.’” Here the holding may seem a bit more abstract, but is nonetheless real. Stepping back is something we can do to gain perspective. We can wrap our minds around and hold all kinds of thoughts, feelings and situations when we step back. When you need to hold a bigger perspective, walk backward or imagine yourself stepping back from your feelings.
If you are in a relationship, ask for holding. If you are not, explore and learn to value other ways of being held
We know when we are being held in the hearts and minds of family members, friends, or colleagues. We can ask for more of this: “Please hold me in your heart” or “Hold me in your thoughts.” And, we can create more or new holding environments for ourselves. New friendships, belonging to a women’s group, participating in neighborhood or community events, being part of a book club, congregation, a service oriented organization, or regular time with a therapist are ways of increasing our sense of being held.
Our homes are an extremely important holding environment. That’s why it’s so frightening to lose them. Though we feel like plants in shock when we are transplanted, we can consciously create new holding environments where we will become securely rooted. Nature, pets, and music are always ready to surround, hold, soothe, and heal us. We are never too grown up for blankets, snugglies, and bathtubs. We are never too old to ask for hugs. When all else fails, give thanks for gravity exerting it’s grounded holding.
When it seems like things are falling apart, become more aware of how you are still being held. Feel it more explicitly. Imagine it more viscerally. Let the arms of something greater than yourself (unfolding life, the universe, love, grace, or a spiritual image) hold you.
Wrap your arms around yourself and hold yourself tightly, after all you are what you most need to hold onto.