As the core push-pull forces in all relationships, love and anger are frequently lead characters in our relational stories. The role of “Lover,” both physical and emotional, is center stage in the earliest phase of a relationship, a time when love just seems to come naturally. Perhaps anger doesn’t make too much of an appearance in this phase, but conflicts are bound to happen. At some point the “Fighter” enters the picture. What kind of bedfellows are these two anyway? More to the point, what kind of story do you live by when it comes to love and anger? Here are some typical tales.
“The Great Destroyer.” An ancient version of this story centers on Sekhmet, the Egyptian goddess of power and might. Sekhmet is a wrathful deity, portrayed as a lioness-headed woman, who becomes destructive when confronted with evil and disobedience. Also known as the Avenger of Wrongs, she is capable of destroying her own people. No wonder the Egyptians made sacrifices in order to placate her. If your story resembles the Lioness, you have tapped into your own Sekhmet and can sense how destructive anger can be. Many women experience the transition into menopause as a challenging time for managing more of their power.
“A Tale of Denial.” This is the story of love and anger that meet under the wet blanket of avoidance that prohibits disagreement. The characters might start out trying to find resolution but with each failed attempt, aversion grows. The tale ends with a dreariness that is so weighty it ends up silencing and suppressing the main characters. We’ve all seen the couple, sitting in a restaurant, barely uttering a single word throughout an entire meal because there’s no longer anything worth talking about, no passion left. Denied conflicts have become deadening.
“The Accidental Meeting.” In this story, we the audience see something long before the characters recognize it. We cringe as love and anger walk backwards, not aware that they are bound to collide until some sudden turn in the day’s events brings about full-impact contact. “Didn’t see that one coming!” as if these things happen out of the blue. There’s never a new outcome to this story, just repeat performances.
In “I Love to Hate You,” love and anger go looking for each other, hooked on the adrenalin rush that eventually could lead to a passionate release and a sweet, consoling aftermath. Hmm, something for both of them but a cycle that teeters on the precipice of abuse.
Identifying your normative story regarding conflict is a first essential step toward creating the kind of story you want to live when it comes to love and anger. For information about this, look to your history, both family-of-origin and adult relationships. You really can write a new story for yourself.
In addition to knowing our central themes regarding love and anger, it’s helpful to do some character study as well. How would you exemplify your style of engaging conflict and disagreement? Because both feeling and showing anger will often illicit shame, this is a difficult question to explore. One of the best ways to take the bite out of shame is to bring some humor to the subject. Take a light-hearted look at the following examples and see if any of these describe who you become in the midst of conflict.
The Minimalist: “It’s better to devalue, diminish or deflect differences”
The Diverter: “I’m angry at drivers, coworkers and toll takers, but never at you, darling”
The Pit-bull: “I’ll out-maneuver with my use of words, memory and unyielding need to be right and understood.”
The Trapper: “If he/she brings it up, I’ll feel attacked, if he/she doesn’t I’ll pretend it’s his/her problem”
The Juvenile: “I’m here but I don’t really hear. I just want to have fun”
The Eyore (Winnie the Pooh’s friend): “I’d rather be hurt and depressed than direct”
The Deer in the Headlight: “I’m frozen in fear and therefore nothing can change”
The Raging Bull: “Anger without restriction is the release I need”
The Nitpicker: “I won’t tell you I’m upset but I’ll constantly find fault”
The Passivist: “I’ll take peace at any price”
The Blamer: “It’s all your fault, I can’t see that I have any part in it”
The Bear: “If you’re near me, I’ll use you like a tree stump to rub off my frustrations”
If you don’t see yourself in any of these wily characters, make up one that fits you, create both an image and a name for who you become. Have fun. This is not about a right/wrong evaluation.
With the self-understanding that comes from knowing both our normative story and our conflict character, we can make the push-pull of love and anger into a much smoother dance. Set an intention in advance of the next conflict: I’ll be aware when my conflict character wants to take over and I’ll step back from it. By creating just a small amount of witnessing distance, you will begin to have more choice and control over your own conflict behaviors and live the love story you most want to enjoy.