It's Time to Have the Conversation You are Avoiding
When your alarm clock goes off in the morning, it’s time to wake up. It’s no different when anxiety and fear sound an alarm. If you, like most of the world, experience anxiety and fear, now is definitely the time to wake up, recognize that something important is missing in your life, and make some changes!
Let’s all shake off the hypnotic urge to acquire more, the delusion of emotionally isolating self-sufficiency, the stupor of self-pity, and the nightmare of blame. We can all open our eyes wider and shift our focus from money to meaning, from success to significance, and from owning more to owning responsibility for how we show up in every situation, making every moment something important.
Let’s awaken afresh to the realization that we are all in this together. We cannot live as if it’s “every woman for herself” when we recognize the huge, important, and hopefully positive effect we have on each other. Living from our best selves is the starting point and our personal relationships are the ideal place to learn and practice being just that.
Every relationship has the potential for meaningful, significant, and emotionally mature conversations that invite our best selves to blossom. However, relationships are also a lot like most women’s closet. While both can store great treasures and offer many possibilities for self-expression, they tend to be place’s where things are easily tucked away and forgotten, hidden, or ignored. Eventually the day comes when we can’t find something we need (like that passionate or loving feeling), or we reach for something and are surprised by all kinds of other things that tumble out (like resentment and blame over something that never got addressed).
What clutter have you collected in your relational closet? What conversation have you been avoiding? It’s time to wake up and live out loud, expressing your passionate, colorful, loving best self!
The most satisfying relational conversations, like the best closets, are those that are well planned and organized.
Here are 4 steps for preparing for an important relational conversation:
1. Take some time to write out all of the feelings that (perhaps wisely) have not been spoken. Just let it rip, but only on paper.
2. Read back what you wrote. Sense what might have gotten lost in the clutter. If there is hostility, blame, or resentment, dig deeper, there is probably sadness, loneliness, or fear hiding underneath.
3. Make a list of the unmet want, need, or desire that led to the deepest feelings. Which of these are necessary to address in order for your relationship to become a more meaningful, significant, and growth enhancing connection?
4. Turn each of these “unmet’s” into a clear request, free of guilt or shame inducing judgment.
Now, make a date for a conversation. You might provide your partner or friend the above list of questions and invite him or her to do the same preparation. Whether the person chooses to prepare in the same way or not, there will be a great benefit in your having gone through the 4 steps.
The best time for a conversation is when it’s not too HOT, that is, when neither of you are too Hungry, Overwhelmed, or Tired.
When you sit down with your your partner or friend, keep in front of you a copy of this short code:
Conversation Code of Conduct
· I own my feelings
· I own my judgments
· I honor the relationship by not blaming or shaming
· I speak my truth with kindness
· I listen with an open heart
· I ask for what I want
Seize the moment! Allow your fears and anxiety to awaken you to living and loving out loud.